Confessions
of a Mad hunter

It has been over a quarter of a century since the following first appeared in the Sentinel.  In that time one would guess that science has discovered a cure for the common cricket.  That guess would be wrong.

October 18, 1981 

Most local residents feel the sight of campers parked in a row outside a local liquor store while their Texas owners search inside for the elixir of the true sportsman is the first visible sign that hunting season is upon us.  In all actuality, the first freeze signals the end of the small game season here in Colorado West. 

Every August our prey makes its initial appearance and the begins to increase in number until by mid-September they’ve become a full blown plague.  From late summer through dew on the windshield, you, I, and the entire population of the Western Slope are heavily involved in the cricket killing season. 

When it comes to bugs you’ll find flies maddening and unsanitary.  Mosquitoes spread disease and force you to maim your own body in a effort to quell the itching.  But it is the cricket that wins the title as the most aggravating insect in God’s kingdom. 

This peripatetic hopper may make an appearance anywhere-from inside the light on the bedroom ceiling to the middle of the afghan folded neatly on the couch in the family room.  Crickets do not believe in keeping their location a secret like most crawly creatures.  They advertise, especially at night.  Show me a human who can sleep through a cricket chirping in his bedroom at three in the morning and I’ll show you a person who is just this side of comatose. 

After finally awakening, your sleep-starved brain assures you the cricket will soon shush.  It won’t. 

As the chirping continues the aggravation quickly begins to envelope your entire body.  Thoughts of how much work you have to do the next day and how exhausted you’ll be due to some damn bug cause your blood pressure to double in about 30 seconds. 

Finally you’ve had enough.  Off go the covers.  Your mate wakes up, asking what in the world is going on.  Your youngest then starts to cry after being startled by the high volume of conversation originating in her parents’ bedroom.  Undeterred you head for the kitchen closet that holds the bug spray.  Another cricket safari is about to begin. 

Most cricket killers subscribe to the spray school of attack.  I’m convinced that the termination of my life will be due to my wife’s asphyxiating me with a can of Raid at three in the morning as she attempts to execute a chirper that sounded like it was two feet from my somnambulant head. 

To a true spray-can hunter, a shortage in bug-killing aerosols is no deterrent as long as there are other spray cans of some description available.  One night in a sleep fog I left a trail of foam through-out the house as I sprayed every nook and cranny with Yard Guard trying to silence a cricket Caruso. 

The wife of an acquaintance once tore through her family domicile in the wee morning hours spraying crickets with oven cleaner when the bug spray ran dry.  She hadn’t the slightest idea whether the noisy devils were killed by the cleaner.  But at least it silenced them until morning. 

I’m not really into sprays.  They make me sneeze and don’t offer the emotional release a good squishing does. 

My favorite cricket masher is an old jogging shoe.  Should you also try this cricket-stalking implement, be sure to use a running shoe with a waffle tread.  This design allows the cricket to be flattened between the knobby parts of the sole.  The bug is trapped there until you bang the shoe on the edge of the toilet, causing the bug’s release.  Then he can be flushed to a watery grave. 

Should you use a flat tread, a cowboy boot, or a wing-tip, you will splatter the cricket all over the rug, linoleum or bed-spread.  This is not only messy but will force you to participate in the ickiest part of cricket hunting, actually touching the little critters.  I’d rather gut an elk than have to pick up a squished cricket and throw it in the wastebasket. 

Jogging shoes work best because of their elasticity. Simply grab the shoe by the toe and with a quick snapping of your wrist propel the heel of the shoe downward upon the offending bug.  The highlight of using a jogging shoe is the satisfying pop you hear when shoe, surface, and bug all mesh.  Or mash.  The noise provides an emotional release that allows you to quickly return to bed and snooze off with dispatch. 

With sprays you can never really be sure if the bug is dead.  You’ll often wind up keeping your ear cocked the rest of the night as you anticipate the warbling to begin anew.