Big Bangs

Fireworks are even more illegal today than decades ago when this piece ran in the Sentinel.  No one can dispute the outlawing of fireworks when drought conditions exist but some of the best memories of my youth are involved with loud noises. 

July 4^th, 1982 

BOOM!  Today is the Fourth of July, a yearly reaffirmation of man’s fascination with a flash of fire and things that go boom in the night.  Unfortunately, with the possible exception of a couple of states like South Dakota and Wyoming, the Fourth just doesn’t provide one with the bang out of life it used to. 

Thanks to our elected lawmakers, the passenger pigeon and snail darter have been joined on the endangered and extinct species by the cherry bomb, the M-80 and the Roman Candle.  C’mon.  Tell the truth.  How long has it been since you’ve fired a cap pistol, lit a bottle rocket, or took a stick of punk and lit the fuse on a handful of ladyfingers? 

People have informed me it is even against the law in some states to play with sparklers.  That just can’t be!  What is more American than kids running barefoot through the grass the evening of the Fourth with a lighted sparkler in each hand making patterns against the black of night.  Close your eyes and you can feel the sparks tingling the skin on the back of your hand.  And mother was always there with a water filled pop bottle announcing repeatedly, “When they go out put the sparklers in the Pepsi bottle.  I don’t want anyone stepping on a hot sparkler and burning himself.” 

Sure enough, the nerdy kid from down the block would plant his foot on a hot sparkler someone had dropped in the excitement and he would run home crying.  What happened to those dorks that always ended the evening crying?  They grew up, ran for office, were elected and went to Washington where they and all the other dilberts that stepped on sparklers when they were young passed laws forbidding fireworks. 

Speaking of vanishing America what happened to cap pistols?  How can you play hide and go seek, in this day and age, without sneaking up behind a girl hiding behind the garage and scaring here to death by firing a cap pistol near her ear.  People who remember cap pistols also recall how quickly they malfunctioned and reduced you to exploding the caps with a hammer and a cement block out in the garage. 

Only cherry bombs, or M-80’s, the heavy artillery of fireworks, offered the opportunity of laying siege to an entire city.  Keep in mind the term “entire city” refers to any hamlet with a population under 1,500. 

All it took for this maneuver was a four foot piece of metal pipe in which a tin can could be easily inserted, some creamed corn salvaged from the garbage and a young punk camouflaged by the weeds in an alley behind the businesses fronting Main Street. 

Then one end of the pipe was placed into a dirt pile.  Lighting the M-80, or the cherry bomb, you quickly dropped the firecracker into the pipe with the tin can being slipped right down the cylinder on top of it.  Then you aimed the pipe at an angle allowing the tin can to clear the false fronts of the buildings and drop onto the bricks of Main Street like so much garbage from heaven.  The boom and clatter would stop traffic in all directions. 

Two or three mortar shots were all that could be safely fired before local merchants would come out of their back doors to investigate the source of the cans of creamed corn falling from the sky.  They would never dream of calling the police during a midmorning attack because Henry, the town cop, worked all night and became quite testy if disturbed before noon. 

The forays were guaranteed to be successful, as long as you remembered to never blast the section of Main housing the family business.  This action would cause the ammunition supply to be confiscated by your father without so much as the slightest benefit from due process. 

One last Fourth of July tip.  Remember as you go to a fireworks show to keep your “oh’s”, “ah’s”, and “ooo’s” straight.  “Ah” is when you understand.  “Ohhhhh” is for admiring a new baby.  But “oooo” is for the fireworks shows when a skyrocket has two, three or four explosions complete with a starburst and loud screaming whistle.