December 24, 2003
Christmas Column

Problems. Christmas is just a week away and you still haven’t a clue what to give the adult males in your life.  Men are so difficult when it comes to gifts.  Why?  Because if it’s something we really, really want, chances are we already went out and made the purchase.

    How many times has my wife pointed out, “You don’t buy yourself things you want just before Christmas!”? And my reply?  “Oh yes I do because no one will ever think to get me this.”  And how many times has whatever I really, really wanted been duplicated?   Actually more times than I can count but that’s beside the point I’m making, men are indeed hard to buy for.

    Clothes, with the exception of shirts and underwear are verboten.  On the obligatory pre-Christmas list, (“please e-mail ideas of what you want for Christmas because I’m stumped”), the average, over twenty-one, American male lists Levi’s 501 jeans, waist 32, length 32. 

     The person receiving the list knows full well the sendee hasn’t had a 32 waist since graduating high school in the late sixties.  But should one decide to ignore the instructions and give blue jeans that actually fit, it would elicit the following Christmas morning verbal exchange, “Why did you get me thirty eight’s when I told you thirty two’s?”  “Well, I’m aware of what you requested but decided instead to buy the size where your belly is worn inside the pants.”   Conversations like this lead to hurt feelings and petty arguments all Christmas Day.  In the spirit of peace on earth, goodwill toward men, it makes more sense to avoid threads as a gift.

     Cost also rears its ugly head when it comes to the American male and Yuletide giving.  “The only difference twixt men and boy’s is the price of their toys” goes the adage. Last year my Christmas list detailed, “Anything from Gene Taylor’s, The Board n Buckle, Cabella’s or Mattas Marine.”  My wife quickly explained the futility of sending out such a “top ten” as both family and friends were limiting my gift search to Overstock.com.

    Because most adult males no longer have a need for after-shave (there must be untold millions of well aged Old Spice containers resting on medicine cabinet shelves from Bangor to San Diego) and even the heaviest of beards can’t use more than the one or two automatic shavers that sit un-used, what is the average American gift-giver to do?  Golf shirts, ties and jockey shorts seem so “predictable”. Bass boats, (“Has that thing got a hemi in it?”)  and Lamborghini’s tend to be budget-busters.  All of the above, when combined, tend to lead one toward what could only be termed “stretch” gifts.  A “stretch” gift can range from nose hair trimmers to electric socks. They’re clever, unique and basically useless.

     Dresser drawers nationwide are filled with “stretch” gifts opened to the gush of, “What a wonderful present, boy did you fool me.”  The day after Christmas those same “great gifts” disappear never to be seen again.  All men are keenly aware of the Yuletide not-so-favorites we’re discussing. Coming immediately to mind are computerized Frisbees, monogrammed hip flasks, the keychain doubling as an ice-scraper and lock de-icer, an electronic coin sorter, the fisherman fishing sculpture desk clock, an electric hammer, or the tingling head trip head massager.

     The ultimate “stretch” gift must be the ironing board cover featuring a bikini-clad model whose top disappears when ironing commences.  Saying to your spouse, “That bikini chick Christmas gift from your cousin is on the ironing board, when you’re pressing my shirts and the bimbo gets topless give me a holler so I can check it out” affords a husband not only the opportunity to witness, for the first time, a topless model on the family ironing board but to simultaneously experience the pain one can only feel when a heated steam iron is stuffed in his pants.