August 20, 2003
Mail

Mail.  Lotsa’ mail.  When you leave town for a couple of days or a couple of weeks mail tends to pile up.  Well you ain’t seen nothin’ yet.  Just be gone from your “home twenty” over four months and you chance suffocating in the pile of paper the US Postal Service leaves on your doorstep.  When we returned from our recent bicycle journey across America waiting at the Maynard residence was 83 pounds of mail. It’s easy to spot our mailperson.  She’s the one wearing a truss.

    The 83 pounds is un-official but a reasonably good guess.  The number was derived by my standing on the bathroom scale and straining to hold a basket filled with four months  of mail and then subtracting my own personal one hundred and seventy pounds from the number between my feet.  Of the eighty-three, four pounds were letters and the remaining seventy-nine were caused by magazines and gift catalogs.

     The letters were easy, monthly bills, forty three solicitations to lower the house mortgage rate with enough money left over for a complete remodel, a new car and that “special vacation you’ve always dreamed about,” twenty-three letters announcing I was “pre-approved” for a credit card with “incredibly low interest” plus “Wags and Wiggles” the Mesa County Humane Association newsletter.

     But 79 pounds of magazines and gift catalogs?  Well start with sixteen issues of the weeklies, Sports Illustrated, Time and People. Then there were the bi-weekly’s Fortune and ESPN the Magazine.   That’s followed by the monthly magazines from Mac World to Sunset,  Men’s Health to Real Simple, plus  six envelopes filled with coupons from Pappa Johns, four catalogs from Lillian Vernon, a post card from a realtor saying she had sold a home in our neighborhood and an invitation to spend $500 for a ticket to a banquet in New York City honoring the “50 Giants of Broadcasting”. Since neither the Loud Guy nor yours truly were among the 50 giants being honored I opted to pass on the banquet.

     Additionally we heard from the Colorado Energy Assistance Foundation (send money), four different mailings from Herbergers (they’re having a sale), The Literary Center (send money) the 2003 Information Update (“Important non-government information enclosed—open immediately—do not delay—to open this side slide finger under this edge),the Sierra Club (please join and send money) the Grand Mesa Christian Association (addressed to Mr. and Mrs. Floyd Maynard but whatever your name send money), the Asset Maximizer (borrow money) the Standard Utility Review (your source for utility savings in San Antonio and won’t this information come in handy if I ever visit San Antonio), the American Cyclist (send money),  and a gift catalog announcing the Strasberg Children’s Memorial Day Sale (from the company “in the business of dressing angels)

     If that slogan doesn’t make you want to “yak” then try the mailer from The Paragon featuring a needlepoint pillow saying “I Smile Because I’m Your Sister. I Laugh Because There Is Nothing You Can Do About It.”   Oh please. We raised three girls at our house and trust me when it came to sisterly behavior they could do a lot about it and it was no laughing matter.

    Other un-solicited gift catalogs, my wife assures me she has done business with none of them, included Domestications, Solutions (featuring floating candles shaped like flip-flops, guaranteed to burn for three hours, but for the life of me I can’t imagine what problem a three hour burning flip flop candle is the solution too), Coldwater Creek, Casual Living holiday preview catalog (the holiday they were previewing was Christmas and this was sent in May) Lands End, Travelsmith, Expressions, Colorful Images, Oriental Trading Company, Puritan Pride Vitamin catalog, Potpourri, five different Victoria’s Secret mailings (Victoria’s Secret being the one company I urge to send more not fewer catalogs and  which I do check out cover to cover with great interest, but only for the articles), Apple Seeds, Crossing Pointe, Touch of Class and  Bed, Bath & Beyond (of course the great un-answered question is indeed what’s beyond the bath and bed or is that Victoria’s Secret).

     Seminar solicitations also filled my mailbox.  By going on a four month bike ride I missed a one day seminar devoted to cafeteria plans, an evening gathering explaining the inherent value in a private vacation club, a highly entertaining day long meeting devoted to Landlord/Tenant law in Colorado, a Colorado Springs based seminar on how to supervise people for $129, a lecture on real estate exchanges and another not to be missed session entitled Teacher Talk—Financial Information for K-12 Educators (maybe this piece of mail was also intended for Floyd Maynard since those of us with the patience of a gnat who also lack a college degree are few and far between in the legion of educators.)

    You also, upon reviewing at one sitting four-month’s worth of mail, begin to realize where you fit in the demographic profile of the bulk mail industry.  Yours truly is in the “geezer” category.  I received a brochure from Bankers Life detailing the wonders of nursing home insurance, a solicitation from Comfort Rider (they make those battery powered cars that one most likely purchases with the nursing home insurance proceeds from Bankers Life), a brochure explaining the can’t miss aspects of Mutual of Omaha cancer insurance, seven offers for a free hearing test, a solicitation to buy a home study course entitled “How To Get The Most Out of Your Retirement Savings” (step one for me is don’t buy home study courses) and the details on a “pre-need” cremation plan from the Neptune Society.

      How come when it comes to going “toes up” the term used is “pre-need” but when they want you to subscribe to their credit card it’s always “pre-approval”.  Wouldn’t you feel better if it was the other way around?