August 27, 2003
Denver Moron

Two weeks ago my family and I were spending a quiet Wednesday evening over a pizza at Pablo’s in downtown Grand Junction.  As we were waiting for the main course to arrive Jan was doing her grandmotherly duty chasing the eighteen month old granddaughter up and down  Main Street while our middle daughter, in town after two years in New York City, spotted a high school friend to chat up.  So there I sat, left to my own devices, waiting for the pizza to be served.  Stashed in the corner at Pablo’s I spotted a USA Today.  The only section available was the front section, the boring part of the paper that just features real news.  Well, at least it used to contain only real news.

     This front-page headline stated boldly, “In Denver, stress is on the ballot.”  According to the broadsheet billing itself as “The Nation’s Newspaper” a Denver political activist, Jeff Peckham, 49 (and I don’t know how active this activist is since I am a part time Denver resident and have never heard his name before) has spearheaded an effort that succeeded in getting a measure on the ballot in the next Mile High City election ordering municipal government to ”ensure public safety” by adopting and promoting “stress-reducing techniques or programs.”   

     Mr. Peckham is not so bold as to offer actual suggestions as to how the city council reduce stress in the Queen City of the Plains although he did suggest to the USA Today reporter that soothing music in public places (he prefers Indian sitar tunes), better nutrition in public schools, meditation and yoga would ensure the public tranquility.

     Where do they find these nutballs?  I’m not quite convinced the multitude of “you name the body part and I’ve had it pierced” teen-age panhandlers on the 16^th street mall would have turned out to be the type of high school scholar trying to choose between an Ivy League school or accepting a military academy appointment if only they had been served more carrots and tofu with their school lunch hamburger back in the fifth grade.   I’m equally un-convinced that when I left Invesco Field last fall after witnessing Jason Elam yank an extra point wide left in the final minutes of the Dolphins game leading to the maddening frustration of seeing the Fish beat us on a 55 yard miracle of a field goal in overtime my stress level would have been a mere fraction of what seemed to be a blood pressure reading of 250 over 200 had only the loudspeakers been soothing my savage breast with Ravi Shankar’s “Greatest Sitar Hits CD” as we left stadium.  

     Last week Jan and I took the four grandchildren to the Denver Zoo.  While it was a day of immense enjoyment the experience also most closely resembled herding cats.  The six year old grandson insisted on chanting, “Snakes, Snakes, Snakes” as his method of rejecting any exhibit non-reptilian in nature.  The eighteen-month old grand daughter appeared convinced her diet was seriously deficient in zoo dirt since whenever adult’s backs were turned she tended to feast on nearby tundra.  The three year old, when not chasing peacocks, insisted on yelling “poop emergency” if his nose told him the younger cousins diapers needed adult attention.  Yelling “poop emergency”, even in a 3 year old voice, while wandering through the elephant exhibit is akin to screaming “fire” in a theater, as Homeland Security has done nothing to prepare America for a poop emergency in a pachyderm palace.  However, according to the “Peckham Principle“, Maynard offspring would have caused no stress whatsoever if zoo-goers had simply paused to participate in a citywide meditation break.   Right.

    Mr. Peckham did admit Denver was an odd choice for his “Initiative for Safety Through Peace” coalition since it’s always listed in the top 5 quality of life American cities.  “But” he says, “This is my hometown.”  Well how lucky can one metropolis be?  Denver gets John Elway, Bighead Todd and Willy Wonka.