March 31, 2004
Allergy

     “Howb yo duin”.  “I’m not so goob” Talking with a plugged up nose ain’t easy but, once again, it’s allergy time all through my body.  The globe willows are green in our valley meaning it’s that time of the year when many of us face the world with puffy, red, weepy, watering eyes.  And constant sneezing.  Hand or arm over the mouth it still seems no one within sight is safe from a Maynard “kachoo”.  It’s not without good reason my wife is every year in danger of losing her voice due to constantly following a husbandly sneeze with a wifely, “Bless you.” 

    Don’t call, write, e-mail or stop by the house to inform me of the latest sure-fire allergy remedy.  THEY DON”T WORK!  To me it’s all lies.  I especially don’t believe the lady in the TV commercial who rolls around in flowers and wrestles a cat without a trace of the sniffles. That’s impossible. Is there no truth in advertising when it comes to allergy cures?

     You name the allergy medicine and my immune system has rejected whatever benefit the drug in question was supposed to deliver.  I’ve tried them all from A to Z.  Allerest to Zyrtec.  Plus the stops in between be they Claritin, Flonase, Allerest or Allegra.  The little pill named Benedryl has, for me, never stifled a sniffle or sneeze but has been sending me to dreamland since 5^th grade; a time so far distant Benedryl was available by prescription only.

     What allergy pills do provide is not relief from “dry, itchy, watery eyes” (how eyes can be simultaneously dry and watery is a question for another time).  Allergy medication does nothing but put yours truly in a stupor. Within minutes of downing “instant relief”, I’m comatose.  Deep sleep,  welcome indeed during bedtime hours tends more toward the handicap category when interfering with earning a living, watching a movie or conversing with your spouse. The world can still feel quite safe, however, as I have followed the directions on the label to the letter and avoided all temptation to operate heavy machinery. 

    Sitting in a doctor’s office, I happened upon a magazine detailing ways to avoid springtime allergies.  It urged one to, “minimize outdoor activity on days when the pollen count is high, take vacations in pollen free areas like the sea or beach, use a paper mask when mowing or raking and avoid hanging sheets or clothing out to dry as pollen and molds collect on them.”  Talk about advice you can really use. Not. Since this was a doctor’s office, the magazine might have been a tad dated; I fully expected to see the headline on the cover article read  “President Kennedy Sending Troops as Advisors into Indo-China”. 

    Back in my “on the radio” days, it was impossible to disguise the annual allergen attack that plugged the nose, rasped the voice and couldn’t disguise the ever-present threat of a spasmodic sneeze.  Listeners were painfully aware of my inability to cope with allergic rhinitis.  Every year many well-meaning folks flooded the phone lines with “sure fire” cures.  While some remedies were FDA approved the bulk of the suggestions were not.

     I ever so politely passed on alfalfa extract, bio rizin (I haven’t the slightest idea what it is) Siberian ginseng, horehound, stinging nettle and citrus scented lemon balm.  Other folks also wanted me to try their particular “miracle”; featuring a cure so on-target doctors “were afraid” it would put the medical profession out of business.   In fact the pill they were touting not only would cure my hay fever but also make me rich overnight once I got in on the ground floor and made this secret “wonder-drug” available to my friends and allowed them to also sell the magical elixir.  What an opportunity!  Cured of hay fever and rich at the same time. I passed.  It seemed that in addition to making me sniffle free and un-believably wealthy I was also required to attend “motivational sales rallies”.   Feeling really crummy for six weeks a year is far easier than attending another meeting.