June 23, 2004
Cell

There’s trouble on the Verizon.  Plus problems for Sprint, AT&T, Cleartalk and Cricket.  Last week’s news warned all citizens of the world the first cell phone virus had been created.  Finnish experts say the development of the virus poses a threat to cell phone users everywhere.  The Finns seem to continually be on the cutting edge of cell phone technology.  They also reportedly lead the world in mental depression.  The prevalence of melancholy north of the Artic circle has long been blamed on long, cold winter nights, but I say their countrywide gloominess is caused by the shame of being the world leader in cell phones. 

A virus that could render the cell phones of the world silent?  Not to be a Luddite but what, exactly, is the bad news? 

A world without cell phones delivers me from the clown in the latte line at Starbucks.  He’s yelling into a wire dangling from his earpiece, “ Did you file that brief?  I told you it had to be done by ten this morning.”  Hey dude, file your own damn brief and let me enjoy the morning peace and quiet.  And when Mr. Talk at the Top of My Lungs and Impress Everyone Within A Five Block Radius is finally at the front of the line his response to the inquiry, “What would you like?” causes him to tell the poor schnook on the other end of the line, “Hold on,” and only then turn his attention to the offerings on the sign board before him by saying, “Let’s see, what do you have?”  Like the menu at Starbucks has changed in the last five years?  If ever you read of a Starbucks queue beating the living hell out of a fellow customer know a cell phone was involved. 

Another personal cell phone favorite are fans at Invesco or Coors Field calling acquaintances also at the game in an effort to locate one another’s seat location.  The reason for the phone call is to enable the caller and listener to stand and wave at one another. Give me a break. These are people who came to the game together and will ride home in the same car yet feel the compelling need to utilize modern technology to greet one another from opposite ends of the stadium.  Last fall the hapless Chicago Bears were driving for the winning touchdown in a game thought to be a must win for the Bronco’s.  And what were the divots behind me doing when they should have been exhorting Deltha O’Neil to step out of character and tackle a Bear?  “We’re in Section 132, can’t you see the beer vendor by our row?  What section are you, 502?  Well maybe you’re waving but everyone in your section is standing. If they would just sit down I could see you.”  If the Bronco’s can confiscate bottles, large bags and six packs from fans entering the stadium why can’t they put the same restraints on cell phones?    

The best time for a virus plague knocking out cell phones is Friday.  Friday afternoons are when I play golf with gentlemen earning their daily bread as realtors. Nice congenial fellows they are, but did you know the average realtor couldn’t go five minutes without having his cell phone ring?  Multiply that by three realtor golfers and you wind up with a round of golf consisting of swing and ring, swing and ring.  Of course with good news on the phone you’ll hear those magic words, “I’ll buy” whenever the beer cart appears.  But should the news be less than cheerful as in, “How can an out of town banker kill this deal.  He’s a congenital idiot.”  At this time it’s best to let your realtor friend vent.  It’s also a great opportunity to press the bet.

     For far too long frustrated golfers have attempted to appease the golf gods by chucking their clubs into a nearby lake when the frustration becomes unbearable. Hopefully the day is coming when golfers leave the clubs alone and instead throw their cell phone into the nearest pond.  Now that would truly constitute progress in the human condition.