July 7, 2004
Cookie

It’s a national tragedy.  I couldn’t have been more shocked if Michael Moore was heading up the Re-elect Bush Committee.  But the painful truth is the popularity of cookies is crumbling.    

According to no less an authority than the Wall Street Journal, present day educators and nutritionists are attempting to wean the youth of our land off cookies by substituting honey wheat pretzels, fruit smoothies or baked potato chips for their after school snack.  Not to overstate the case, but it appears communist sympathizers are attempting to deprive America’s youth of the thrill unique to coming home from school and devouring oatmeal and raisin cookies with a cold glass of milk chaser. 

What’s next the denigration of Oreo’s?  As a matter of fact that’s exactly what’s happening.  Sales of Oreo’s, says the Journal, were off 9% last year.  Now, in the name of nutrition and health, future generations may never experience the satisfaction unique to pulling apart an Oreo, licking off whatever the white stuff is in the center and then dunking the chocolate outsides in milk before popping what has become an oh so tasty soggy chocolate mush into your mouth and then following suit with the remaining Oreo’s neatly stacked next to the milk glass.  Oreo eating is one of life’s magical moments, an event so special it deserves to be celebrated undaunted by discussion of trans-fatty acids, carbs or calories. 

And what about those in college, the service or engaged in any other activity taking them away from home for the first time in their life?  Does this ongoing anti-cookie movement mean that no longer will the young adults of our land receive those chocolate chip cookies in the mail, the ones special baked by Mom or Grandma?  Just try getting the US Postal Service to send a smoothie through the mail or conjure up the thrill of receiving a package filled with goodies from home, opening said parcel and discovering Grandma, thinking of your health, mailed baked potato chips or a Power Bar.  Yum, yum.  Thanks a lot Grandma.  Not! 

These are tough times for the cookie.  Why even the Keebler elves must be depressed.  With cookie fortunes flagging, the elves could be facing lay-offs.  After spending decades as a cookie spokesman, it will be difficult to make a mid-life career change to something like a CPA or heavy equipment operator.  A new and different job is especially hard to come by when you’re only a foot tall.  Should the Keebler elves find themselves trying to subsist on unemployment insurance, they may not be able to keep up their tree payments and be forced to live in a gopher hole on the forest floor.  Imagine the indignity of it all.  And what about the poor, “I Want Cooookie” Cookie Monster?  He’s (assuming Cookie is male, not that I really know) lost his endorsement deal with Keebler and was left with Mrs. Fields as his only option.  Talk about playing in the majors and then getting sent down to Triple A.  Poor Cookie Monster. 

For me the downward spiral of cookie fortunes in Grand Junction took place in the early eighties when Der Weber Deli closed.  Pat England and Carolyn Reid were always baking giant chocolate chip cookies in their food emporium across from West Middle School (back then it was a junior high) and no odor in our valley measured up to the chocolate chip cookies baking in the oven aroma that greeted your nose when Der Weber Deli’s front door was opened.  Today, sadly, the giant chocolate chip cookie has gone the way of the Oldsmobile. 

It’s time for cookie lovers everywhere to unite and fight back against the system.  Starting today do your part to return the USA to the “cookie is king” days of yesteryear.  When people ask, “What are you doing for your country?”  Look them squarely in the eye and reply with pride, “I’m eating a cookie.”