August 25, 2004
Olympics

All Olympics all the time.  Last week we attended a family wedding in Connecticut.  To make the most of flying clear across the USA it was decided to take some extra days and tour New England.  While the “Rain in Spain falls mainly on the plain” based on time spent between Ogunquit and Penobscot Bay it’s also true the “Rain in Maine falls on days ending in Y”.  Weather forced us inside causing most of our tourist time to be spent in hotel rooms watching the Olympics.  While New Englanders assured me the Olympics were “wicked good” it became quickly apparent there’s a whole lot about the games beyond my comprehension. 

Like why synchronized diving?  As opposed to synchronized judo or synchronized triple jump.  And who picks two as the number to be synchronized?  Why not three divers, or six as in synchronized swimming.  Or reach out to NASCAR fans and have thirty-six divers jump at once.  With seventy-two legs hitting the water simultaneously life would be even more exciting than the good ol’ boys going four wide into a Daytona turn. 

Even though I had two nieces graduate from Miami of Ohio (We Were A College Before Florida Was A State) thanks to field hockey scholarships, I know nothing about the sport.  Why are field hockey sticks so short?  The participant’s steer the ball up and down the field running at full speed while all scrunched over.  For years the parents of these girls have been telling them to “stand up straight” and then they go to the Olympics in a sport that seems to promote curvature of the spine. 

Who decides what’s a sport in the Olympics?  If trampoline is a sport why aren’t hide and seek, hackey sack or Jarts.

The best thing about the summer Olympics?  No ice dancing. 

The Chinese dominated the air rifle competition. Air rifle, isn’t that a BB gun?  You just knew this was going to happen, a communist country taking over our sport, when the mothers of America took Red Ryder BB guns away from their ten-year-old sons forty years ago.  Evidentially, “You’re going to put somebody’s eye out with that,” wasn’t taken as seriously in China as it was stateside. 

I read in the paper where NBC sold over a billion, yes a billion, dollars of advertising for the Olympics.  What I didn’t realize, until I had watched for three or four days, was NBC must have only been charging a dollar an ad. 

Speaking of the televised Olympics, the politically correct among us (those same folks who” tut-tut” about skimpy outfits on beach volleyball ladies), are up in arms because NBC shows mostly Americans in action.  Their line of thinking is the Olympics are a worldwide event so we are compelled to watch athletes from around the globe.  Excuse me.  When it comes to football I don’t want to watch Arizona play Baltimore, I want the Bronco game.  In baseball it’s the Rockies commanding my attention.  So why would I be interested watching Lichtenstein battle Nowhereistan in synchronized weight lifting? I’m interested in the locals.  You want to be on my TV set? Play for or against the US. 

And what’s up with horses in the Olympics?  Up hill and down dale they gallop, jumping over huge obstacles and working themselves into lather only to see the gold medal awarded to the poor schnook hanging on for dear life to the winner’s back.  Were the Kentucky Derby to follow the Olympics lead at the end of the race the garland of roses would be placed around the winning jockey’s neck.  Do the right thing; give the medal to the horse. 

Maybe I’d like ice dancing better if the skaters put gel and sprinkles on their hair like synchronized swimmers.