September 1, 2004
Easy Money

Pennies from heaven?  Not for this kid.  Why settle for mere shekels with the future holding the promise of millions of dollars arriving from Africa.  Here I thought it was impossible to get something for nothing.  Well how wrong I was. 

Every morning finds me filling my coffee cup and heading for the ‘puter.  Upon responding to the familiar voice intoning, “You’ve got mail” I find my e-mailbox filled with unsolicited correspondence.  Among the usual offers of low cost drugs from Canada, home loan rates below one per cent and miracle pills delivering incredible development of various body appendages, comes a new solicitation.  What seems to be half of Africa has selected moi to assist in smuggling big dollars to the USA.  And they’re willing to pay me millions for assistance. 

Gone forever are the days of waiting for Ed McMahon and the TV cameras to appear at my door bearing a wad of dough from Publisher’s Clearing House.  The fact Ed never arrived at our Redlands domicile I always suspected was due to never subscribing to the magazines the  “You May Have Already Won A Million Dollars” circular offered.  Reasoning was, if you bought the magazines you weren’t getting something for nothing.  That’s like buying a lottery ticket.  Spending money on a miniscule chance at a big payoff always strikes me as a tax on the mathematically challenged. 

But the African dudes e-mail claims they desperately need my help.  Comrade Davis Mahood, billing himself as the Treasury Controller of Burkina Faso, (it’s next to Ghana) has to transfer $88 million recovered from “over invoiced contracts” (and what in the hell does that mean?) But he’s willing to pay me twenty per cent of 14 million to help get the funds out of Dodge (actually Ouagadougou, Burkina Faso, West Africa but Dodge is easier to spell).  How we got from 88 mil to 14 in just two paragraphs I don’t understand, but hey it’s still almost 2 million for yours truly and that is way cool, especially given the fact there’s no heavy lifting involved.  And the Mahoode dude assures me there’s no risk. Allright! 

But wait!  The same day also included e-mail from Koja John.  Koja says he’s a former official in the government of Liberia and is in a real hurry to get 15 million out of his account in an African bank and onto US soil and, I know you’re not going to believe this, but once again I’m the person selected to expedite the transfer.  Talk about easy money, he’s willing to let me have 2 mil of the swag for a few minutes assistance. Now even an Iowa State guy can add 2 and 2, add the word million and realize my ship’s about to dock. And all I had to do was read e-mail. 

It was a little off-putting to run the names of my new e-mail friends through Google and learn these same letters have been on the Internet since 1998.  Some people say all is not what it seems.  Once you make contact with the Africans they ask that you help defray the costs of lawyers and transfer fees by depositing up to twenty five thousand dollars in their African bank.  And when they get their mitts on your dough you never hear from them again. Why some people are so bold as to call this a scam.  

But, since we’re talking millions of dollars, I say let bygones be bygones.  Why not get together at a neutral site and work things out.  So I emailed the suggestion we meet at the Grand Junction Police Station.   

So far they haven’t written back.  Would the courthouse have been a better spot?