December 7, 2005
Christmas Picture

Silly me.  After the family Thanksgiving/Christmas celebration there was rejoicing about the holiday duties being history when my wife reminded, as wives are wont to do, there was still the matter of the Christmas card family picture.  And, like husbands are wont to do, I listened, agreed, and forgot.  After all, the Bronco’s were playing Dallas. 

So a sun filled Thanksgiving, perfect for family pictures, passed.  That night it was asked, “What about the picture?”  The best I could conjure was “Well-uh guess we’ll do that Sunday.” 

The youngest grandchild turned one three days after Thanksgiving.  With clan Maynard still hanging out in the Denver ‘burbs Sunday would be fine.  Wrong.  It was a cold, windy, gray, miserable day.  “Well” said I, attempting to make chicken salad out of you know what, “Looks like a perfect day for inside pictures.  Let’s line up.” 

“Don’t be in a rush, the children are playing, the husbands are watching football and a couple of gifts need to be wrapped.  Your picture can wait.”  When did it become MY picture? 

Like hours passed.  “Let’s get everybody in front of the fireplace.” was the suggestion.  “Just hold on,” said she who impedes progress.  “Dinner’s ready and after all the work your daughters did in the kitchen, it’s rude to let food cool.” 

Once the son in laws began clearing the table and loading the dishwasher, I tried again, “Pictures?” 

“Not now, it’s time for cake.  Just calm down, we’ll take the pictures later.”  Married to her means waiting is a full time job so wait I did, in the middle of the kitchen holding four cameras, one for each family.  

Finally came “Gentlemen start your cameras” or something like that.  Family picture organization isn’t easy.  Salt Lake City Tribune funnyman, Robert Kirby, observed Utah families are so large Christmas pictures have to be taken from a satellite to get everyone in the shot.  Our tribe is much smaller, with two great-grandmas, three daughters, three husbands, five grandchildren and a not so patient grandpa.  

The great grandma’s were not a problem.  They were front and center immediately.  The son-in-laws, saying nothing, but looking like men scheduled for the electric chair, stood nearby.  However with daughters, children and grandma, it was like herding cats.   

The minute all were standing, “just right”, the oldest daughter exclaimed, “Just a second, I need lipstick.”

“Yes” said the second, “right” said the third.  Their mother said nothing but headed for her purse.  “The picture is for a Christmas card” I pleaded, “Your faces will be teeny-tiny, don’t worry about lipstick.”  Before they could return the grandchildren had split for the toy room.  

Ten minutes later the group was re-assembled when daughter one had to fix the hair on daughter two which prompted Grandma to start futzing with the locks on two of the granddaughters causing the oldest grandson to start with his yo-yo and the second grandson to turn on his gameboy.  Back to square one. 

Eventually, in an effort to appease cranky grandpa, the picture was snapped.  My responsibility covered, we packed, said good-bye, and headed into the night.   

Five minutes down the road, the passenger seat was heard from,  “The baby never opened her gifts.  You and your picture.” 

“The child should have said something.” I replied.  “She’s one,” said my wife.  “The perfect age to learn about speaking up.”  I offered.