February 16, 2005
American Dream

The “American Dream”.  It’s still alive and ticking albeit with a few changes.  Today’s children, if they want to become rich and famous are going to have to buckle down and learn how to fail.  Failure is where you find today’s big bucks. 

Last week Carly Fiorina was axed as CEO of Hewlett-Packard.  Ms. Fiorina’s mis-steps as head of the Silicone Valley technology behemoth have been well documented in our nation’s business press.  Her ill advised merger with Compaq plus a steady erosion in the Hewlett Packard during her time on board caused the H-P board to hand Ms. Fiorina her walking papers.  But she will waltz out the headquarters front door in style and salve her wounds in luxury since her severance package, in essence her reward for doing a crummy job, was estimated to be over 21 million dollars.  

If you think 21 million dollars for stinking it up in the workplace is egregious you ain’t heard nothing yet.  A Hollywood agent type, Michael Ovitz, was a good friend to Walt Disney CEO Michael Eisner.  So Eisner hired Ovitz to be President of Disney back in 1995.  Fourteen months later, Eisner decided he’d made a mistake and canned his, by now not quite so good friend.  Ovitz reward for not being the right man for the job? A severance package totaling $140 million.  It certainly gives a whole new meaning to the phrase, “I Wanna Be Like Mike.” 

Currently in a Delaware courtroom, a group of Disney stockholders are suing Ovitz to get some money back saying the severance package was excessive.  Imagine that.  Ovitz, of course, has a phalanx of barristers attempting to keep the 140 million right where he feels it belongs, in his pockets.  

Mr. Ovitz, was quoted as saying with a straight face, “It’s not about the money, I’m just trying to clear my name.”  

The Walt Disney Corporation, and it really is a Mickey Mouse company, should have hired me to be their prez.   I’d guarantee to do an equally lousy job but would only want oh say 70 mil, when they show me the door.  I would be willing to fail for several million less because I just possess a helpful nature. 

If you think doling out big bucks for bad work seldom occurs, you couldn’t be more wrong.  People Soft’s CEO lied to Wall Street analysts but still walked away with 50 mil.  Gemstar-TV Guide had a former Chief Executive who was in charge while the stock went from fifty bucks a share to $3.40.  His severance pay?  As much as 50 million. 

How does your kid become rich by being a failure?  Well, it seems they first must be admitted into Stanford or an Ivy League school.  The next step is to pick up an MBA from a prestigious institution.  Once you’ve entered the job market and managed to navigate your way to the CEO office, the opportunity is there for you to become rich once the board realizes how big a doofus they hired.   

The Ivy League thing is really important. For some reason, Iowa State alums never get the opportunity to screw up a company and then retire to Provence.  If you sport a degree from a land grant institution and are forced to walk the plank, don’t expect more than two weeks pay and whatever vacation time you have coming.