February 23, 2005
Nude or Dead

No possible way.  Death before nudity?  That’s what experts are telling us.  Survey results report that in a terrorist attack the average American would rather die than be seen nude.  By anybody. 

Henry Siegelson, he’s a professor of emergency medicine at Emory University, is quoted to the effect that in case of a biological or chemical attack the removal of a victim’s clothing is one of the most important and effective means of decontamination. 

“You hold them, you strip them and you wash them,” says the prof.  And there in lies the problem.  Because the average American refuses to “get naked”, at least when they’re sober and the lights are on, in front of co-workers or strangers.  And because most folks would rather croak than strip, the Homeland Security folks are being prevented from implementing a sensible plan to deal with a massive biological warfare attack. 

The first thought after seeing the results was the only folks surveyed were from Iowa, where the state motto has always seemed to be, “No matter what the occasion keep your clothes on and your emotions under control.”  But it’s more than just Hawkeye’s; in fact over half the citizens in our country admit to the fact they would rather die than expose the world to their bodily shortcomings.  Please understand we’re not talking about some second grader pointing out, “I see London I see France I see someone’s underpants.” The choice under discussion involves either getting down to nothing in public or taking a final ride in a long black Cadillac. 

Modesty be damned.  I don’t care if I’m in Mesa Mall’s Café Court at noon the Saturday before Christmas, if one or two official looking naked people come running up shouting “Get your clothes off or you’ll be buried in them”, count on yours truly to be down past the jockey shorts faster than a stripper who’s been told she can leave early and go home as soon as her work is done. (What constitutes an official looking naked person is best left for discussion at another time but it is indeed safe to say that should an individual be both au natural and insistent about my joining them sans clothing all the while wearing a fireman’s helmet, I’m more than willing to give them the benefit of the doubt). 

Call me radical but if it’s a matter of life or death, what’s the big deal when it comes to clothes?  It’s my understanding human bodies consist of just two different models.  True it’s not a case of,  “if you’ve seen one you’ve seen them all”, as there are indeed different shapes among members of the same sex.  On the female side, the gamut runs from Salma Hayek to an East German shot-putter while most male body types fall somewhere between Antonio Banderas and me.  But why in the world does anyone really care how many of their wrinkles and rolls are exposed to public ridicule when the alternative involves a power nap in a worm condo? 

Not that everyone is against stripping as opposed to a big sleep.  Members of the Brittany Spears set seem to go through life just one button away from complying with a “get naked” request while the hip-hop generation appears to have the waist of their pants somewhere around knee level making a quick exit appear imminent, terrorist attack or not.