June 15, 2005
Pre-approved

Lucky me.  This morning’s e-mail didn’t just bring a message from my sister but also in my mail box, new since turning off the ‘puter last nigh, were two previously heard a hundred times jokes from a friend, an offer to join the Fruit Of The Month Club, three messages announcing my “pre-approval” to receive the lowest home mortgage rate in history, an e-mail in all-caps offering the lowest price in Canada on a pill that comes in handy “when the moment is right”, four messages with the heading “DO NOT DELETE” explaining how I was pre-approved for various credit cards willing to give me untold amounts of cash at an interest rate so low I’d have to call and find out what it was, an opportunity for the pre-deceased to save a family the emotional trauma of planning the funeral when one goes toes up,  pre-approval on car insurance at a rate so low one would be reminded of 1958 and last, and certainly least,  two former government officials  from Ghana who just won’t give up when it comes to my helping them get millions out of Africa and into a U.S bank. 

Forgetting about the guys from Ghana, they’ve been an almost every morning e-mail pest for the past six months, not being really concerned first thing in the morning about “when the moment is right” and having a hard time remembering anything about 1958 let alone car insurance rates, it seemed today’s messages contained a way heavy dose of “pre-approval.”   

At my age one has a complete understanding of the term “pre-deceased”.  This is a kinder, gentler way of saying, “Friend you may be alive and kicking today but at this point in your life there’s an excellent chance you’ll be needing our services sooner rather than later.”  

But struggle I do with “pre-approved.”  True every spammer and his brother has been “pre-approving” any living soul with an e-mail address over the past few years, but what does “pre-approval”, “pre approve” one for?  Not much it turns out.  

It was a slow day with my wife suggesting the dishwasher be emptied when the computer was turned off so to delay the inevitable, I e-mailed one of the credit card companies explaining the thrill unique to discovering newly granted “pre-approval” status and would they please send the ten grand cash advance with the world’s lowest interest rate to my home address.  Well, and I know you’re surprised, maybe even shocked by this, it turns out things aren’t quite what they seem.  The credit-card guy, and he was a very nice young man, called back before the morning was out, explaining I needed to fill out an application.  “Why?” I asked since the dishwasher was now empty and there was time to kill, do I have to do the paperwork if I’m already pre-approved?”  “Well,” said the voice on the other end of the line, “When we said you were pre-approved what we meant was you were pre-approved to fill out the application necessary for your approval.”  “Does that make sense?” I asked.  “It seems to me you are either approved or your not, another of my e-mails this morning’s said I was pre-deceased and I understand that, it means I’m alive but is it possible “pre-approved” means nothing?” 

The guy on the other end started to sound like he was ready to move on to other things, or more to the point, other people.  Like someone who just wanted a credit card rather than a debate.  Wrapping up the conversation I passed on the offer.