June 8, 2005
Tighty Whitey

So what’s the fuss about old guys in their underwear? It’s an everyday occurrence at our house.  But a couple of weeks back the entire world seemed to have its collective panties in a wad over a picture of Saddam Hussein in his “tighty whities”.  Published in London and New York City tabloids better known for pics of Pamela Anderson in the altogether, the world community professed outrage.  (Not to sound homophobic but I much prefer gazing at Pamela in lingerie as opposed to color photographs of an imprisoned geezer dictator in his Under-oos.) 

Saddam was supposedly so mortified he’s threatening to sue.  To which one must respond, “Oh bite me!”  Here’s a despot responsible for murdering hundreds of thousands, a man who “offed” his own son-in-laws, and he’s bent out of shape because the world has seen him in nothing but his Fruit Of The Looms?  Like one picture of him in a Munsingwear pair is going to ruin his bad reputation.   

The Bush Administration chimed in with dismay over the pictures of Saddam in his BVD’s saying the picture’s publication would cause the Arab world to hate us to an even greater degree.  Excuse me?  Folks in the Middle East are already so hacked off with the West they blow themselves to kingdom come on a daily basis.  Just how is seeing the “Butcher of Baghdad” in his Jockey’s going to cause them to be even more P.O’d? 

Other than providing cannon fodder for late night comedians, “In London and New York newspapers published a picture of Sadam Hussein revealing where he keeps his weapon of mass destruction” and getting in a “Revenge of the Stith” mode by announcing Saddam was the apparent winner of the Chewbacca look alike contest, what’s the problem with showing up in “People”  in nothing but your Calvin Klein’s? Rappers do it all the time, why not dictators? 

Were it a perfect world I’d live in my Under-Armour undies.  But perfect the world ain’t.  After all a man’s morning ablutions include heading outdoors to the driveway for newspaper retrieval and my wife assures me performing that chore in just my Tommy Hilfiger’s would ruin the breakfast of our South Rim neighbors.  According to the better half, me stumbling around the yard in nothing but J Crew briefs could be as egregious a homeowners association rules violation as, on a non-collection day, leaving the garbage can where it’s visible to a neighbor’s naked eye.  Keep in mind up where I live a visible garbage can violation is an etiquette breach so heinous it demands a “tut-tut” phone call from a homeowner’s association official, our neighborhoods version of a “cease and desist” order. 

Someone needs to clue Saddam in to running shorts.  Available in every hue known to a rainbow, running shorts are more comfortable than briefs while being acceptable dress in worlds as divergent as picking up the morning paper on Redlands or being interrogated by CIA operatives in a military prison.