August 10, 2005
August

Shocking news!  I couldn’t have been more surprised if you’d told me the Rockies won a road game.  But the calendar doesn’t lie; August is devoid of holidays.  (National Eat More Watermelon Day doesn’t make the cut as a day of celebration.) 

When you reach my stage in life, one where 24/7 is Friday afternoon at four, the beginning of each month is spent checking out what the immediate future promises in the way of holidays.  Without researching the subject one stands an excellent chance of not knowing what working friends are discussing when talk turns to an upcoming three-day weekend.   (Please know I limit time spent rubbing elbows with the gainfully employed for fear the desire to perform a day’s labor could be a communicable disease.)  It’s also possible a lack of holiday knowledge could result in bodily harm like smashing one’s nose against a locked door at the bank, post office or any other “We’re closed in order that our employees may enjoy the holiday” type business. 

“Well,” you say, “March and April are not exactly loaded with day’s off.” Or at least that was my wife’s response when listening to my “would you believe” August discovery.  But March hosts St. Patrick’s Day and the official beginning of spring while the following month is the home to “April Fool’s Day” and Arbor Day.  Arbor Day you question?  It’s very big just to the East where the sign at the border spells out “Welcome to Nebraska Home of Arbor Day”.  It’s also possible, the way Big Red has played the past few years, did I ever mention they lost to Iowa State again last year, Arbor Day is all that remains when it comes to major Bugeater accomplishments.  Also keep in mind March and April have some sort of time-share arrangement with Easter.   

But alas poor August.  One can only imagine the world’s re-action when the lack of Augustian holidays becomes public knowledge.  Certainly Gov. Owens will form a “No Month Left Behind” committee to discover ways we can bring August up to holiday snuff without reaching into state coffers to support the effort.  Colorado Democrats will hold a news conference announcing concern over a total absence of holidays during the 8^th month stating, “This is not about politics but the result of a Republican dominated legislature in years past caring absolutely nothing about all months equally and only favoring the few, the rich, like December, for its Christmas shopping and April, home of the 15^th and tax time. 

Our Grand Junction City Council will most likely host a public hearing to evaluate all sides of the August holiday issue but decide not to take a position preferring to save their political clout for matters of greater weight to the public good like whether or not a 10 Commandments tablet can be legally located on city property.  

Fox News (we report you decide) oracle Bill O’Reilly will pontificate, “If August wants a holiday it should get out and earn one like the other months, not look for a federal handout.” 

The New York Times will editorially oppose any August holiday claiming it will interfere with reader’s annual vacations in the South of France.  When reminded not everyone can afford Provence the Times will suggest lower income families make the best of it by summering in the Hamptons. 

From the summer White House in Crawford, Texas President Bush will announce August already has a holiday, whenever fall practice starts on the football fields of Texas. 

The best suggestion will come from AARP telling the world to just get with the program and age because when you’re a geezer, every day’s a holiday.  AARP’s right.