August 31, 2005
Coach 1

Who knew?  At a dinner party last month I wound up across the table from a very nice lady, we’d never met, employed as a sales executive at a well-respected company.  But, she told me, “What I really want to do is be a personal coach.”  

“How exciting!” I replied.  With maturity comes diplomacy.  I now know it’s much better to say, “How exciting!” than blurting out, “Say what?” and revealing how totally clueless I can be about modern day America. 

So, it was home to the ‘puter where “personal coach” was Googled.  Would you believe, people, by the thousands, are paying a “personal” coach to mentor their lives?  It’s like a fitness trainer for your personality or so one of the ads claimed.  There were all kinds of ads, for in person personal coaches ($120 an hour), an e-mail personal coach or an over the phone personal coach (call for rates). There was even an ad promising to coach you all the way Australia like that was a real plus. But I’m still fuzzy on the benefits of a personal coach as I was distracted by an ad for the book, “How To Make Over a Million a Year as a Personal Coach.”    

What do coaches do?  Well, they use the word “holistic”.  A lot.  And they also promise to clarify, create and fulfill your vision. 

I haven’t had a coach since high school.  He stomped and yelled things like, “Maynard, pick up the intensity or you’ll run gassers till you puke or “Anyone who blocks and tackles like you should wear a skirt to school.”  I don’t remember him ever discussing ways to “holistically clarify” my vision.  

Most likely it’s my disbelieving nature keeping me from being able to “wrap my hands around” New Age voodoo, I mean philosophic thought.  In the 70’s there was Werner Ehrard, real name John Rosenberg, and his EST disciples herding people into auditoriums across the country for day long seminars where, for a princely sum, one was supposed to understand the essence of “It”.  Whether or not you became enlightened by “It” was up to the individual as “It” from EST didn’t come with a money back guarantee. 

Then in the 80’s, way to many days were wasted at various board retreats where a facilitator urged us to accept the “ever shifting paradigms” and “extemporize ideas”, no matter how “off the wall” to “manifest the organization’s upward thrust with the times.”  The assembled groups verbalized musings were listed on a huge easel in the front of the room.  After a lunch break where participants could discuss something interesting like the Bronco’s, we all re-assembled to Gestalt (I think it’s German for “you’re putting me on”) our way through the before lunch inspirations.  Eventually all the listed suggestions were determined to be un-practical.  But sometimes there was time left over so the facilitator urged us to take the remaining moments and “massage the mission statement.” What? 

The guru of the 90’s was Tony Robbins.  He seemed to show up on every late night cable channel urging us to Unleash the Power Within.  This was accomplished through purchasing Tony Robbins books, buying Tony Robbins audiotapes and attending Tony Robbins seminars.  With the insights provided, everyone would be enabled to get their “Life Plan’ in working order. 

And now it’s Personal Coaches.  Someone who “is a holistic healer using macro and micro integral transformation to trend future openings and gaps.”  Or so the ad said.   

When it comes to coaches I’m just a “Run gassers till you puke” kind of guy.  They’re the only ones I can understand.