November 29, 2006
Great To Be a Guy!

The spirit of the season.  Twas the week before Thanksgiving and the geezer guys golf group was in the midst of our annual St. George, Utah outing.  During a lull in the action, and with geezers lulls have become more and more the norm, conversation turned to giving thanks. Sort of. Specifically, we were thankful to be guys, which by unanimous vote we determined to be the gender of genders.  In fact, all were so appreciative in their luck of the draw we started to list the inherent advantages unique to being born male. 

Guys, for instance, never have to ask for directions.  This leads to many interesting side trips.  Just on one ten-mile journey from golf course to motel, parts of St. George, Utah not previously known to exist, were experienced.  Nor did we know you could drive almost twenty miles in myriad directions without ever leaving the St. George city limits. 

To be a guy is to limit the angst of decisions.  When it comes to wardrobe selection, choices consist of one sport coat, two shirts, one pair of dress pants, jeans purchased in the eighties and shoes black, brown or running.  The question of what should be worn to a Saturday night social occasion is easily answered by the limited selection hanging in the closet.  It’s also true when it comes to wearing apparel, men are secure enough that holes in socks or underwear are not a big cause for concern.  For some unknown reason, the slightest tear becomes a real big deal to wives.  

Being born male conveys the deed to remote control exclusivity.  Two husbands on our trip assumed their wives decided to leave the television off since no one phoned to inquire how to change channels.  They couldn’t remember their wife ever having the remote control in hand except for the every morning move of returning said remote from the vacant recliner back to where it belongs.  

While women are masters of multi-tasking, only men have the concentration necessary to watch four or more TV programs simultaneously.  This incredibly difficult talent is not a part of the male DNA but comes from years of practice, practice, practice.

The un-written rules of “lady like behavior” preclude females from ever experiencing the total body relaxation afforded by a simple spit.  Were expectoration allowed among distaff members of society they might be better equipped to hit a curve ball or read a putt.  Body scratching is also denied females under the same set of gender specific rules. 

Our geezer golfers also acknowledged that to be male is to be free of worry as to whether or not exactly the same amount of money was spent on Christmas gifts for each grandchild.  Christmas, it should be noted, is a very tricky time of the year in terms of the male/female relationship.  For instance, over the years we men have learned not to expect a rational response to the wifely question, “What do you want for Christmas this year, lingerie or a gift certificate?” 

Another freedom exclusive to the male fraternity is an absence of peer pressure to watch Oprah.  Or Dr. Phil.  NASCAR and the WWF is another subject. 

Not that there aren’t specific advantages to being female.  There are.  The most important is in golf ladies get to hit from the forward tees.