February 8, 2006
Dawn Patrol

Marriage in America.  The Dawn Patrol versus Night Rangers.  It’s a battle of wills playing morning and night in a bedroom near you. 

Sure there’s the occasional couple on the same clock when it comes to turning down the bed or greeting a new day but they’re almost as rare as a content Republican.  

At the Maynard domicile, the end of David Letterman’s Top 10 heralds the bewitching hour, a time for all right thinking people to slip between the covers, turn out the lights and dream pleasant thoughts, usually involving Bronco victories, till early morning.  That reverie is jarred almost nightly by the question, “You’re going to bed all ready?” 

Not that this is a recent trend.  In over forty years of marriage, long before midnight my body checks in, “Dude, if we’re going to get a head start on tomorrow, the time for hitting the sack is now.”  So, my head makes its final flop on the pillow at the exact moment Jan revs up for what, she’s convinced, is any day’s most productive time.    Eight hours later, with dawn coming up like thunder, the worm has suddenly turned.  For me, early morning is to be treasured, the optimum time to savor that first cup of coffee, nibble on toast slathered with peanut butter while scoping out the Sentinel and heading outside for exercise.  Mrs. “Love, Honor and Enjoy all things Nocturnal” is equally convinced of the value in early morning hours, it’s just she thinks they’re best utilized for sleep.  And an absence of “happy talk”. 

Talk about difficult tasks.  When my feet hit the floor in the morning, it’s as good as I’m going to feel all day.  Once sleep has been rubbed from the eyes, a day’s next sixteen hours finds the quality of life heading inexorably downward until the bewitching hour when sleep is the only answer for what ails.   

The Night Ranger operates at the opposite end of the clock.  She’s on the prowl and involved in project after project until finally giving up and hitting the sack only to toss and turn and fret about things that could have been accomplished had she not given in to the mores and folkways of American life stipulating one must sleep while it’s dark. 

The causes of our operating at opposite ends of the clock is no surprise, it’s a family thing.  For years Jan was raising three daughters, running a household, plus was heavily involved in our radio stations.  At the end of the day, after the girls were down for the count, it was “Jan” time, hours of the day belonging to no one else.  During those same years, I was playing morning dj and out the door just after four every morning. 

But the girls have been on their own for well over a decade and early morning microphones are ancient history.  Yet midnight still finds The Night Ranger on the prowl.  Doing what?  How would I know, I’m involved in an extended power nap.  True life no longer involves throwing back the covers at four in the morning but Mr. Sun and I usually start the day around the same time.   

For Jan and optimum “sleep time”, the problem is there’s now a husband banging, slamming and stumbling through the house.  Life, according to the wife of the house, was better in the radio days.  Then, sleep interrupted by husbandly “happy talk” was easily silenced by turning off the clock radio. She’s convinced instant wealth awaits anyone inventing an “off” switch for stay at home husbands.