May 17, 2006
I Am Helping

Not to brag but when it comes to helping family I’m borderline terrific.  Even if they’re too shy to ask, I’ll jump into the breech.  Like “I’m there” for my Connecticut sister.  She’s big-time excited about her first grandchild, a baby scheduled for October delivery. Their clan; my niece, her husband plus my sister the soon to be grandmother, are all about picking the perfect name for this child.  Talk about an area where I’m killer help.  Why they didn’t think to ask for assistance is puzzling but their gratitude when I come up with the perfect name will be enough.  

Today’s parents desire a distinctive first name for their offspring.  Come kindergarten in five or six years, it’s confusing for a child to have the same name as three or four other classmates.  

My sister, her daughter and son-in-law are huge sports fans.  With a local to them team, the New York Jets, picking as their first round draft choice an offensive tackle from Virginia, D’Brickashaw Ferguson, why not name the new babe D’Brickashaw?   “We know the child is going to be a she,” said my sister rather emphatically, “and she’s not going to be called D’Brickashaw.”  Actually D’Brickashaw has a rather uni-sex sound and D’Brickashaw Watson just has that certain flair. You sure wouldn’t have to worry about sending a child off to school in Westport, Connecticut only to find three or four other D’Brickashaws in the class. 

But there was no convincing either my sister or the expectant parents.  So I turned to the NBA.  How about Shaquille or Kareem?  Or look to the Detroit Pistons featuring a Chauncey (maybe a stretch for a girl) plus a Rasheed and a TeShaun.  Or if they were gender insistent on a girl’s name the WNBA has Chamique, La Shonda and Terrice.  No sale.   

“Forget about naming my grandchild after an athlete,” came the sisterly caution.  “We’re a family genetically disposed toward combining a lack of height with slow foot speed plus a total absence of eye/hand co-ordination. We’re fans, not athletes.“  So I switched to show business.  “Hollywood stars,” I told her, “flat out know how to name kids.”  

Gwyneth Paltrow and her rock n roller husband, have a daughter Apple, Jason Lee, the star of “My Name is Earl” named his child Pilot Inspecktor, Rachel Griffiths called her child Banjo and comedian/magician Penn Jillette christened his daughter Moxie Crimefighter. ”That’s the sort of activity one can expect when capitol punishment is outlawed,” was the sisterly re-action.  “And no, we’re not copying Frank Zappa” she continued, “By naming my only grandchild Moon Unit or Dweezil.” 

When athletes and movie stars are persona non grata in the naming department one must turn to literature.  Since the new babe’s last name will be Watson why not invoke Sir Arthur Conan Doyle’s Sherlock Holmes mysteries and name her Elementary Mydear.  Wouldn’t you love to be present when an elementary teacher takes attendance and calls out, “Elementary Mydear Watson?”  Of course once Elementary is an adult her phone book listing will read, “Watson, Elementary”.  This could cause the phone to ring off the hook on mornings after a New England blizzard with people asking, “Is there school today?”  I started to mention this to my sister but for some reason she’d left the room. 

Family can appear so ungrateful.  I didn’t have a chance to mention the Red Sox feature a player named Willy Mo’ Pena.