August 16, 2006
Bad Smelling Bronx Bombers

It’s official.  The Yankees stink.  And their shortstop stands alone in earning big bucks to smell up the joint.  Poor Derek Jeter is struggling to get by on the 19 million, that’s right 19 million, dollars a year he receives from George Steinbrenner to be the 2^nd best shortstop wearing the pinstripes. A-Rod’s better but the Bronx Bomber brain trust pays him 25 mil a year to play third.  So in addition to roaming the infield for the best team money can buy Mr. Jeter has agreed, for a fee, to endorse a perfume. 

This “Eau de la Sweaty Ballplayer” in a blue bottle is brought to you not by Channel, Estee Lauder or Georgio but Avon.  Yes the same company that manufactures, according to one blogger wag, “Skin-So-Soft, the stuff that keeps the ‘skeeters off Grannie”, is now the distributor of Derek Jeter’s “Driven”, a name that really belongs to NASCAR boys like Little E or Jeff Gordon rather than a shortstop in the Bronx.   Yankee fan that I am would recommend the fragrance be named “E-6” or “O-fer”.  

According to Avon, the fragrance is, “A fresh Fougere, a blend of crushed leaves, black pepper, chilled grapefruit, rhubarb, lavender, spearmint, bamboo, driftwood and oak moss”.   Red Sox fans claim it smells like a used diaper filled with Indian food but they could be a trifle biased.  Talk about the world’s worst job, how would you like to be a Massachusetts based Avon rep going door to door in Waltham, Needham and Dedham (sounds like a law firm) attempting to convince Bay State males if they really want to score all it takes is a dab of New York Yankee Derek Jeter’s “Driven” behind the ears?

Whether or not professional ballplayers want to locker next to a guy giving off the aroma of chilled grapefruit, rhubarb and driftwood is beside the point.  If the odor of an after the game sweaty shortstop makes cash registers ring look for other big name jocks to enter the fragrance arena. 

The Brett Favre, Packer QB, inspired fragrance would smell of cheddar and be named “Interception”. 

From Barry Bonds we’ll have “Rage” and just a drop daily for six weeks would not only make one give off an absolutely tantalizing smell but also cause the head to swell to the size of a watermelon. 

The Al Davis, Oakland Raiders owner, perfume should be named “Just Win Baby” or “Commitment to Excellence” and cause any football team in black uniforms to go 13-35 over a three-year period. 

Bronco QB Jake Plummer could endorse an after-shave, oh that’s right Jake doesn’t shave, never mind. 

Speaking of the Broncos, a fragrance that disappears within ten minutes of touching your skin named, “And You Are?” could be endorsed by Denver holdout Ashley Lelie while a perfume named “Blooming Onion” would be the perfect endorsement for ex-ESPN baseball analyst Harold Reynolds recently canned for “inappropriate behavior” with a female production assistant at a Bristol, Connecticut Outback Steakhouse.  (And you always wondered where TV stars go to see and be seen.) 

Should Avon want to expand their fragrance line to a perfume based on my athletic career look for it to be called, “Benchwarmer”.