December 12, 2007
 

Tree Troubles

Decision time.  We’re in the grip of Christmas and once again facing the Yuletide equivalent of “paper or plastic”. Is the Christmas tree at your house real or fake?  

From the lazy man perspective the clear-cut winner is fake.  With the children grown and gone, there’s no known valid reason to drive into the hills, struggle through deep snow, argue with your wife over the perfect tree, swear at the hand saw, freeze your fingers while finally felling said perfect tree, getting the truck stuck in a snow bank, all to finally arrive home with a tree approximately two feet taller than the living room ceiling.  

It’s also true that many organizations like the Boy Scouts, churches and Home Depot depend on Christmas tree sales to help fund their activities throughout the year.  So, avoiding a trip to the enchanted Christmas tree forest outside of town, while still being able to crowd all the wrapped presents under a “real” tree, is indeed possible.  

Knowing all that, our tree preference (since our girls moved out) remains with the big boy hibernating till Christmas in the upstairs closet.  Come Yuletide, it’s his opportunity to stand tall with no fuss, bother or mess.  But, there are those who consider a pretend tree a crime against the state. 

For instance, the Christmas tree growers association.  Perusing their website, one feels fake tree owners rank somewhere between Al Qaeda terrorists and Barry Bonds, in terms of the threat we pose to the America.  

Quoting Christmastree.org, “85% of fake trees are imported from China.  They’re made on concrete floors by migrant workers, most making $100 a month, squatting in front of unsafe machinery melting chips into malleable plastic.”  Without explaining where the migrant workers migrate from, (Mongolia in search of higher wages?) the website delivers the clinching argument as to why Americans should demand real.  “Fake Christmas trees were invented by a company who made toilet bowl cleaners.” 

While tree growers may accuse the fake folks of manufacturing a crappy product, until they solve the needle problem I’m sticking with our come out of the closet once a year, pretend tree. 

Putting up a real tree is a miserable experience.  Why?  Because an easily assembled by the mechanically challenged tree stand has yet to be invented.  At least one that supports a six foot evergreen without a wife saying, “Here let me show you how this works, it’s really quite simple.”  All that aside, tree erection is the easy part. 

Come January and Tannenbaum “timber” time, it’s dragging the tree through the house and out the door that’s the absolute pits.  Month old Christmas trees shed more than a yellow lab.  Yes, the cover the tree in a sheet routine was attempted.  All we accomplished was tree sap ruining the sheet.  No matter the Christmas tree exit strategy, a trail of left behind, vacuum resistant, pine needles leads to an on your knees, picking said needles out of the carpet, experience. 

Fake trees? Just tote ‘em back to the closet.  After your wife explains how it fits in the container.  How am I supposed to remember how a tree came out of the box? That was almost thirty days ago.