February 21, 2007
Nude Ears, Today’s Fashion Faux Pas

I try.  Really try.  But no matter the effort it’s impossible to stay abreast of today’s fashion trends.   It’s one thing to keep pace with tie width, be it wide, narrow or in-between and the constant struggle of knowing if the tenor of the times demands shirt collars be button down or button less, but it now appears Mr. You Know Who is totally out of step with today’s fashionistas by facing the world with ears devoid of electronic appliances. 

Show up today at work, in the gym, at lunch or on the ski hill with nude ears, cranial appendages totally devoid of some sort of sound system and one might as well attend the Inaugural Ball in a tux and brown shoes.  It’s an MP3 world out there and though I’ve had an I-Pod for years, it means nothing in the fashion sense unless one strolls through life with skinny gray cables hanging from the ears. 

Part of the problem is a physical disability.  The oh so small “ear-buds”, standard equipment in today’s society, absolutely refuse to remain attached.  Whether the holes in my head are too small or too large is subject to debate but they definitely deviate from the norm dictated by the ear bud manufacturers of the world. I’ve enough to worry about in constantly pulling pants up, suffering as I do from the dreaded no-butt syndrome. So rather than constantly re-inserting fallen away “ear buds”, a switch was made to an old school set of earphones with a “holder together thingy” (a technical term for the digitally challenged), running across the top of the head and securing the phones over the ears.  Earphones like that, it was immediately offered, are “dorky to the max.”   

The other challenge of being “plugged-in” every waking moment is one can’t hear anything else.  Grooving to the I-Pod on Denver’s light rail resulted in two missed stops.  And on the ski slopes, how does one recognize the impending doom heralded by the unmistakable  “sorry dude” unique to being obliterated by a snowboarder when the ears are otherwise occupied. 

And that’s just the MP3 thing.  Then there’s the oh so fashionable hunk of plastic hanging on your ear, blue-tooth wireless cell phone favored by the shirt and tie set.  Nothing says “with it” like a thousand dollar suit, a two hundred dollar shirt and hundred-dollar tie topped by what appears to be a large black shiny June bug perched on an ear.  One would imagine it’s only a matter of time when, in the interest of a balanced look, today’s modern exec will have a blue-tooth firmly attached to each side of his or her head.  Just think of the one upmanship that could only come from telling a caller, “Hold on man, I’ve got a call on my other ear.” 

I was cautioned against being a Luddite in regard to ear electronics.  It’s “way cool and totally necessary.”   Were one forced to go through life using their hands to actually hold a cell phone plus a “Blackberry”, it would leave no digits available to grasp the ever-present water bottle.  And God knows, if the young suits of the world are forced to face daily life without a water bottle in hand, it signals the end of civilization as we know it.