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May 16, 2007 |
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Trouble in paradise. As of this morning I’m into a ninth straight day of bachelorhood. With Jan not returning from Iowa until next Tuesday, this is anything but a temporary and/or inconvenient situation. Some, keenly aware of my domestic in-abilities, might describe the current circumstance as life threatening. Well, worry not you doubters of geezer functionability in a wifeless world after 42 years of marriage. Not to sound overconfident, but I maintain the situation is well in hand. True, my present lifestyle isn’t one Martha Stewart would feature. Those in the know about my slob-like tendencies would hardly be surprised to find a Daily Sentinel obituary detailing suffocation under and avalanche of dirty dishes as a result of living the bachelor life. Well, “ha” to your doubters. I’ve got this puppy figured to a gnat’s eyelash. The trick is to never dirty a dish. No, we’re not advocating restaurant dining morning, noon and night. It’s more like morning and noon. And at the noon meal one should only consume half the serving, take the leftovers home in a doggy bag and dine on the second half sometime after dark in the iridescent glow of the TV. It’s wall-to-wall Nuggetless NBA playoffs. With the evening meal being served on the plastic container it came home in, it’s possible to avoid the ever-present scrape-the-plate and place-it-in-the-washer issue. Wine with dinner? Of course. Just eliminate the goblet part and sip straight from the bottle-hey, no lips but mine are involved. And skip the part about the vino needing time to breathe. We’re talking “Two Buck Chuck.” Well you say. So much for the main course. What about the salad? Thanks for asking. Two nights ago it was a persona favorite, caprese. It’s possible the presentation wasn’t something you’ll see on The Food Network or in the finest of dining establishments but it works wonderfully well for the no-dirty-dish lifestyle. Slice a
tomato while holding it in your hand over a waste basket, add a piece of
fresh mozzarella, pour on a splash of balsamic vinegar-making sure to hold
the tomato slice below the top of the waste basket so no bits of balsamic
puddle below-then gulp the goody while leaning ever so close to the
aforementioned trash compactor. No-dirty-dish caprese. It’s a Maynard exclusive. Veggies? Fresh is fine when the wife’s around but canned veggies fit in better when the main goal is to allow dishes to remain sparkling in the cupboard. Veggies also are widely available in cans. Just open, fork out the vegetable of the day (throwaway plastic fork please), down the minimum daily requirement and return the can to the fridge. True, some folks prefer vegetables cooked. But for those of us espousing the clean-plate-at-all-times philosophy, cold beans are a minimal price to pay. So there you have it-the geezer bachelor’s dishless dinner. I briefly considered inviting friends over for a meal but most acquaintances seem more than a little insistent on involving a glass, plate and silverware in the dining process. Maybe it would be better to wait until Jan returns before taking on social obligations. |