May 23, 2007
To Tight
To Be “Hip”

Thanks Esquire.  According to the monthly mag my male friends are ne’re-do-wells.  And no one is more out of step with Esquire’s fashion sense than Mr. Baldy here.  Why I haven’t been so traumatized since learning the Jessica Simpson/Nick Lachey marriage was kaput. 

The June issue of Esquire bills itself “the most useful issue ever”.  Who could doubt it?  Right on the cover is an explanation of how to open a bottle of beer using nothing more than a copy of the magazine itself.  Obviously this is critical information necessary to the survival of the American male. 

Way in the rear of the June Esquire, after the article how to fight, after the piece on how to calm a crying baby (no they’re not related except in both cases you use open hands, not fists) and right after a listing of the “best bars in America” (only two have been personally experienced, Colorado’s Minturn Saloon and Coral Bay St. John’s Skinny Legs) came an article “What Every Man Should Have In His Pockets”. 

First and foremost male fashion demands an outside breast pocket handkerchief.  Are you kidding? The last time I was forced to don a breast pocket handkerchief was confirmation day at the 1^st United Methodist Church in Cambridge, Illinois.  Not to be hazy about the dates but memory has it narrowed to either Harry Truman or Dwight Eisenhower sitting in the oval office. Never once have I gazed on that confirmation class picture and not experienced a rush of internal embarrassment from knowing the dork in the group was I. 

But Esquire not only deems the breast pocket handkerchief de rigueur but also suggests a model by Robert Talbott costing, cough-cough, forty-five bucks.   And if you think that’s a ton of dough for a snot rag, Esquire is only beginning.  They also claim every man needs a front pants pocket key chain by Gucci at one hundred thirty dollars.  Why would any male pay heavy bread for a key chain when the model that not only holds your keys but also locks and unlocks the pickup from a distance came with the truck and is way less foo-foo than the Gucci gadget? 

Esquire also suggests the stylish man carry a Tiffany pen in his suit breast pocket.  A hundred and fifty bucks for a pen?  Free pens are the reason God invented banks and real estate firms. 

Other Esquire fashion commandments include a one hundred and ten dollar Dior Homme back pocket wallet. This parallels my fashion philosophy, if you can’t pronounce the manufacturer’s name; the product itself is probably over-priced.  They also recommend a four hundred dollar Samsung Blackjack smart phone.  My cell was a paltry ninety-nine bucks and came with an accompanying free phone for Jan and while the phones may lack intelligence they are faithful about ringing when someone calls which seems to fulfill the basic requirement of cell phone technology. 

All hope was not lost with the Esquire list.  The final “What Everyman Should Have In His Pockets” item was Listerine breath strips, $3.99.  Maybe the effort to be “with it” will have to start by my just being a dude with way cool breath and the more expensive stuff will be saved for a much later date.