May 9, 2007
Ah Yes….The Friendly Skies

Not gonna do it.  Not gonna pick on the airlines.  To mimic Dana Carvey playing President Bush the 1st, “Wouldn’t be prudent at this juncture.” 

 I’m home from a travel by air East Coast visit.  It was an on time, no snafus, everything worked out just fine, experience.  But, does anybody today really look forward to a plane trip?  Most folks seem to approach flying the friendly skies with the same “if it has to be done, let’s get it over with” resignation normally trotted out for root canals.  

So what’s an airline to do to make air travel more tolerable in this age of increased government regulation, higher fuel costs and management fiats to maximize revenue by squeezing as many folks as possible into every cranny and nook resulting in a passenger comfort level best compared to a steerage booking on a five masted schooner Boston bound from Europe in 1849.  

In the world of air travel improvement, let’s concentrate on the do-able and totally ignore impossible dreams such as getting folks in the employ of TSA to exhibit a smattering of people skills.  Is there a government regulation against security personnel occasionally smiling or possibly exhibiting a personality is absent from the job description?  Grumpy seems to be the operative word for the day in the world of “take off your shoes and remove computers from their bag”. 

Once on board, it’s time for speechifying by the “seats in their upright position with tray tables up and locked” flight attendant. The question immediately comes to mind, “What resident of North America is unaware of how to fasten a seat belt?”  Yet all flights begin with an intricate “how to” demonstration of the seemingly, judging by the time spent on the subject, oh so complex process of joining belt ends at the buckle.  And the flight attendant “show and tell” must be thought insufficient as at demonstrations end the onboard host strolls the aisle staring at passenger’s laps to insure all are snugly tethered.  Can’t airlines skip the speech and go straight to crotch inspection?  

Speaking of unnecessary, when it comes to pre-flight passenger education, is anyone aware of a plane going down in a body of water, be it river, lake or ocean where a life was saved due to using the seat cushion as a flotation device?  Last week, leaving Denver on the sometime after nine at night flight, the thought passed through the cranium that in the event of an emergency water landing between the Front Range and Happy Valley the chances of needing a seat cushion to survive were about the same as the Rockies playing in a World Series. 

The airlines will most likely say, “There’s no reason for explaining how to fasten a seat belt, it’s governmental policy.” Just maybe, should an airliner auger into the side of a mountain with total loss of life, trial lawyers could convince a jury to award millions on the basis the departed would still be walking the earth if only the airline had done a better job explaining how to fasten a seat belt or float with a seat cushion.  But I doubt it. 

And about today’s flight attendants wandering the aisle shilling airline box lunches at five bucks a pop like some ballpark beer vendor.  They’ve accomplished the impossible since, by comparison, the food sold back on the airport concourse is positively yummy.