July 11, 2007
Mr. Dumb Guy
“You da Man!”

It’s “dumb guy” season.  To be sure “dumb guys” populate our landscape year round, but it’s summer where they truly bloom in full flower. 

“Dumb guys” seem attracted to professional golf tournaments like a moth to a flame. Even on the tee box of a 650-yard par 5 where Tiger struggles to get his ball past the 350 mark, the gallery contains dozens of “dumb guys” screaming “in the hole” after every drive.  These are the same clowns, back in the nineties, who hollered “You da man” after every shot. 

Maybe the champion of champions “dumb guy” sat smack dab in front of me a few years back at Braves/Rockies game.  Whenever a foul ball strayed into our area, this nimnal would jump up, stand on his seat and wave wildly in the direction of the TV cameras in the press box.  Once play resumed out came the cell phone and a call was placed to his mother inquiring if she had witnessed his moment and, more importantly, captured his visage on video.  It would be doubtful to assume anyone sitting nearby this over thirty dweeb was surprised to learn of his living at home. But insisting “Mom” waste an afternoon trying to capture a VCR of her numbskull offspring waving madly at the TV caused eyeballs to roll throughout our section.  

But was he any more a dumb guy than someone painting their body the colors of a favorite team?  Maybe when it’s an alcohol fueled college student you chalk it up to youthful enthusiasm.  Do the same thing over the age of 25 and be sworn in as an official “dumb guy”. 

Not that “dumb guys” are exclusively spectators, though sitting and watching is what they do best.  Almost a quarter of a century ago a real “dumb guy” was guilty of a false start at the Denver Marathon.  Facing a run of just over 26 miles, it takes over two hours for a world class runner to complete the event, figure on a four hour struggle for back of the pack hackers, this doofus thought he would gain an edge anticipating the starters gun. 

Slow pitch softball, where I spent many a night for decades, may have a higher ratio of “dumb guys” than any other sport, including NASCAR.  This doesn’t even take into account the lame brains arguing strike calls, it is slo-pitch after all, but the valedictorian of “dumb guy” softballers is Mr. Lookatme, the total dipwad insisting on standing outside the batters box before every pitch to continually re-adjust the batting gloves ala Nomar Garciaparra.  The man is a human rain delay. And then when he does hit a jack, stands at the plate admiring his work until the ball clears the fence.  Dude, it’s not Yankee Stadium but a beer league, never more apparent than when you waddle around the bases wearing the pants from your high school baseball uni.  Yes, the pair from twenty years ago with the 30-inch waist.  Expansion has taken place at a rapid rate with the eight inches of additional gut acquired since high school out front and jiggling for the entire world to see.