September 26, 2007
 

Dan, Dan
the Lawsuit Man

“When your horse has been shot out from under you for God’s sake have enough sense to dismount.”
 Anonymous Civil War General 

Someone should have clued in Dan Rather.  Mr. Rather, as you know by now, is suing his longtime employer, CBS-TV, for 70 million bucks.  Why Dan deserves seventy mil, or what he would do with it if he got it, is a puzzle.  But you can be certain Dan would say with a straight face, “It’s not about the money.”  Au contraire, if he’d asked for fifty thousand it wouldn’t even make the back page of the paper.  Dan desires attention. 

Knowledgeable pundits and bloggers have labeled the CBS/Rather dustup a struggle between good and evil, liberal and conservative, but a stronger case can be made that ol’ Dan is longing for the limelight.  True, he makes occasional appearances on something called HD Net; it’s an outlet owned by Dallas nutbag Mark Cuban, but it’s not like Rather has scored a gig on a channel anyone actually watches.  Or interests People magazine.  Dan finds himself “put out to pasture”, yet at dinner parties friends murmur, “We miss you on TV” to the point the poor soul has actually started believing the sincerity of cocktail talk.  

Were I Dan, a moment would be taken out of every day to proclaim, “Thank you CBS.”  The man was paid millions of dollars yearly to do what?  Read.  That’s right, read out loud.  Americans are quick to complain about the millions showered on actors, athletes and rock stars.  Dan Rather, Katie Couric and they’re ilk are paid an equally obscene amount without the ability to hit a curve ball, carry a tune, dunk or cry on cue.

True not everyone possesses the ability to read aloud.  Trip over the tongue evidence to this fact occurs every weekend on local newscasts.  But reading aloud doesn’t rank real high on the marketable talent scale like plumbing, transmission repair or operating a backhoe.   Dan should be proud he was able to parlay limited skills into such a lucrative career. 

Not that all he did was the afternoon news. Mr. Rather also hosted election night coverage.  There he would stare into the camera and intone, “The polls closed thirty seconds ago in South Dakota and CBS election central has declared a winner in a race thought to be tighter than the lug nuts on a ’55 Ford.”  Or, “the majority party’s lead is shakier than cafeteria jello.”  Funny fellow Dan. 

And now Rather says he’s suing CBS to get back his good name.  Danny, Danny what good name?  You were a talking head.  Walter Cronkite left CBS firmly in first place in the ratings race.  You took up the anchor chair and proceeded to lead the network to a consistent third place finish.  Be thankful there weren’t four networks in the evening news business. 

Rather is 75, it’s time to move on.  Life happens. Seventy million dollar lawsuits aren’t the answer.  Approached the right way, retirement can bring great fulfillment.  Why not use as a lifestyle model folks already enjoying a world where everyday is Friday at 4?  Play golf, visit the grandchildren, write a column or encourage your wife to run for President.