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April 23, 2008 |
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“Here I come to save the day”And with the Mighty Mouse theme blaring in the background, it is indeed Maynard to the rescue. Not one of the three candidates for President, Obama, McCain or Clinton has named their running mate for the fall election. After considerable thought, and learning the job pays $221,100 a year, I’m throwing my hat in the ring. For either party. Look, I spent almost four decades in radio, you don’t think I can’t brag about whomever plays the lead dog role? A man capable of enthusiastically ad-libing commercials for siding companies, used car lots and skin de-foliation certainly isn’t going to have a problem gushing over a politician even if he, or she, happens to be a Democrat or Republican. The candidates, to a person, claim to be giving extended time and thought to selecting a running mate. A more likely scenario is nobody wants the job. The first vice-president, John Adams, said of being second in command, “The most insignificant office that ever the invention of man contrived or his imagination conceived.” John Nance Garner, a Texan and FDR’s first veep, was more to the point, “The job is not worth a pitcher of warm spit.” On the other hand the job pays $221,100 a year. And I’ve been retired for so long doing nothing, but still receiving a monthly check, is part of my DNA. Actually, I can bring to the job qualities previous vice-presidents lacked i.e. I won’t have a wife with a cutesy-poo name like Tipper, can spell potato and won’t shoot anybody. Are there bad parts of the job? Probably. Some cabinet meetings start at seven a.m. and you’re expected to stay awake the entire time, nearly impossible at an early hour when some Ivy League brainiac is droning through a PowerPoint on the direct correlation between Keynesian economics and the income stratification of urban apartment dwellers. A vice-president is expected to wear a suit and a tie all the time, not just for church, and a Veep is required to represent our country at bunches of funerals for folks you wouldn’t know from a posthole, like ex-dictators and third world prime ministers. The V.P., it appears, has but one real responsibility, to break ties in the Senate. This is the kind of workload I can handle, Mr. Cheney hasn’t had to break a tie vote since 2005. Daniel Webster may have turned down Zachary Taylor’s offer to be his vice-president saying, “I do not intend to be buried until I’m dead” but the job has some really appealing perks. You get chauffeured about the country on Air Force II, don’t have to take your shoes off or “take your laptop out of its bag and put it in a tray all by itself” at the airport and the whole world wants to pick up your lunch or dinner check while blowing smoke up your butt. Oh, and the job pays $221,100 a year. Don’t worry about the part where I assume the presidency, should the leader of the free world go toes up. Were that to happen I’m willing to do what’s best for the country. I’ll quit. Right after taking the oath of office and making sure I qualify for the presidential pension. It’s around $380,000 a year. Sweet. |